Dona's Story

I met Dona last year at an Abider’s training I conducted at Cedarbrook Nursing Home. An Abider is a bedside companion who sits with imminently dying people who have no families. I was doing a program called “Communicating with the Dying”. Prior to starting, I asked the group of about 20 grey haired woman why they were there. Most of the responses indicated that these women had experienced grief, were lonely, or wanted to learn more about the dying process. A few women wept when remembering those they had loved and lost. They wanted to help in some way. Some came out of curiosity, some felt obligated to bring religion and salvation to those nearing death.

Sitting in the front row, was a tiny, middle-aged woman with big glasses. She wore jeans and had a bow tucked into her bun that matched her plaid blouse. When it was her turn to speak, she stood up, turned around to face the audience and very clearly told her story.

Dona’s husband has been at Cedarbrook for several years suffering from dementia. She had taken care of him at home until she could no longer manage him safely. At that point, I thought that she was at the end of her story, but she continued. Without shedding a tear, she proudly told us about her son who died in a bus fire several years before. If she couldn’t be with her son at the time of his death, she thought it would bring her peace to comfort others at the time of their death. She showed the group the locket she wore containing his picture, always close to her heart. She told us that she prayed to find a way to cope with her terrible loss. When she read about the Abider’s program, she thought that perhaps she had been shown the way. She wasn’t sure if she could be with the dying, but she was compelled to try.

Six months later, I held another Abider’s training. Dona was there again and proudly told the group about her experiences. She told us she was there to learn, but we all knew she was there to teach and inspire. Dona had taken a suggestion I offered and kept a journal about each visit she made. She filled two notebooks with stories about each one of her patients and attached their obituary after the death. She also attended some of the funerals since she became close to several of her new friends.

Last week, I saw Dona at Cedarbrook caring for her husband. He is a big man but little Dona with the ever present bow in her hair was wheeling him down to the activity room. Everyone, including the nurses, knew her as she greeted them with a big smile. I hugged her and asked how her Abiding was going. She very excitedly told me that she has logged 106 hours and the experience has changed her life. She loves to sing but doesn’t think she is very good. She enjoyed the fact that her patients didn’t seem to mind so she could sing to her hearts content. She knows that it brings joy and comfort to the dying, which in turn, brings joy and comfort to her.

The dying have great insight and wisdom they are always willing and eager to share. Dona uses her gifts and sense of humor to ease the feelings of isolation that people often feel at the end of their life. Although hesitant at first, she embraced the idea of Abiding and learned what we in hospice already know. When you hold someone’s hand, they’re holding yours back. When you bring someone peace of mind, you find your own peace from within. When you help someone die with dignity and help them recognize their accomplishments, you feel a sense of pride that lifts your own spirits.

It’s been four years since her son died. Dona still misses him everyday and fondly shows me the locket holding his picture. I’ve seen it several times now but know that acknowledging him helps keep him alive in her heart. I try to honor this man I have never met, in honor of the mother who channeled her grief into compassion.

The staff at the nursing home calls upon Dona at all hours of the day and night to come sit at the bedside with people in their final moments. Sometimes she sings the Ave Maria, sometimes she prays or reads their favorite books, at times she is quietly present. I think that Dona gives those so close to death a loving message to bring to her son. As a religious person, she believes in an after-life. As an Abider, she is in touch with those people so close to it.

I am honored to have met her.

Barbara Bitros, R.N. Executive Director of Community Relations Life Choice Hospice

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